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Thu, Dec. 9th, 2004, 01:55 pm

okay, heres the deal. My last story sucked and I was so uninspired but now I'm inspirerd and I'm gonna write a good story this time...promise!

Band/ArtistGood Charlotte
Rating: NC-17
Summary: "You can't deny yourself who you really are. You can't lie or pretend its not real until it goes away. It will never go away" Benji was Billy's best friend. Benji meant everything to Billy until one day Benji snapped and Billy has been running ever since. Its been a long while... Benji's not coming back for Billy...is he?

Pressure. Intense, heavy pressure, against my back and my head. "Please... please stop," I can hear someone crying. Whos crying? Oh... its me... I don't know why I'm crying, it doesn't stop him. Nothing stops him. "Shut the fuck up!" He snarls, grabbing a handful of my hair and shoving my face down into the pillow. My hands are handcuffed behind me, his favorite form of bondage, and I can't breath. I struggle but hes sitting on my back and I can't sqirm out from under him. I gasp into the sheets and don't get half the air I need. I'm gonna die... hes gonna take it to far and when he finally lets me up I'll be dead. Just as I have this thought, and as the panic takes over, he pulls my head up by my hair and I take a deep. My relief is quickly overcome by pain as he bites hard into my neck. I cry out, the sound ending in a moan as fat tear drops hit my pillow. Please, I pray to myself, please... I'll change... I'll find a way, just please make this stop...

He flips me onto my back, straddling my waist. He sees me crying and slaps me."Such a fag," he sneers in disgust, spitting the word fag out like its a bad taste in his mouth. He slides his pocket knife out of his pants and flips open the blade in a single motion, staring at it proudly for a moment. Hes proud of this... he thinks this is what has to happen. He thinks this is what he has to do."Oh please... please don't do this to me, Benji. Please! Not again... please not again! Your my best friend... I love you!" He gets this look on his face and I scramble to find my words to make this right before its to late and he hits me again," Not like that... I love you like a friend, my best friend... like a brother Benji... I" He slaps me so hard I felt like I'd been electrocuted. My heart was racing, eyes watering and I lay stunned. "Fuck you Billy!" He screams at me and I flinch away, unable to escape the anger, the hate. "Fuck you! I'm not like you! I'm not a fag... I don't love you. I hate you... I fucking hate you and all Fags..." Just like the three times before, dispit his words, he slices open my teeshirt and then my pants and I'm naked, laying pinned and bound to my own bed as it happens once again. Thats three pairs of shirts and pants hes ruined. Ironicaly, the shirt he ripped from me was his... he gave it to me, let me wear it... back before I told him... I wish no one ever knew. "Benji... I'm so sorry", I whisper. "I can change... I can, please let me show you!" He doesn't and he won't. He flips me over and rips me apart. I don't even have the energy to cry any more. All I can think about is that if there is a god, he will kill me now and so I wait. "When your my age," he'd sneer between huffs, slaming into me, "You'll understand Billy. I'll make you understand..."

I wake with a gasp,sitting stiff in my bed, covered, not just covered, but drenched in sweat. I can't breath... fuck, I can't breath. I force my eyes open and slow my breath. I remind myself that I'm not there anymore... I won't ever be there anymore. Never again. I sit, catching my breath. That hasn't happened since I was 16... he was 18. He was my best friend. My very best friend. The only friend I had, the only person I cared about. The only person I loved. That was a long, long time ago. I hadn't even seen Benji since then. Almost two years ago. He got up and left. His twin woke up one morning to find his bedroom almost completly empty and no one has heard from him since. I cried alot when that happened. Cried because I missed him so much. Cried because he was finally gone and it was finally over. Just cried. I guess thats what we gay boys do. Cry and wear eyeliner. I loved him. I loved him more then a brother, more then a friend. I was in love with him... That would always be my dark secret. Even when he hit and beat me, ripped and tortured me, I still loved him with all of my heart. He just didn't understand... but he made it very clear. He didn't love me, he didn't want me. I was just a worthless fag. I crawl out of bed and take a shower. I don't want to think those thoughts.

I was so scare for awhile. I knew he was coming back. I just knew...Joel said he'd found writings and stories about it in Benji's school work. Poems about the day a boy turned 18 and the mass chaos it brought. Everyone knew they were about me, but they pretended not to. Pretended that nothing was wrong and no one ever knew about what happened between Benji and I. But I was scared... so scared. I moved to New York with my dad for the rest of the school year. Died my hair pitch black. I was so scared he was coming back for me, I had to run. But I wasn't running anymore. Tonight I booked a plane back home. My birthday is in a couple of days and everyone back home is throwing a big party. I'm gonna finsh my last year of high school back in my home town so I can graduate with the kids I'd spent 12 years with. I was gonna stop running. Maybe I couldn't stop the nightmares, but fuck if I was still gonna let that fear take hold of me. Chances were that Benji was dead anyway. My eyes water up just at the thought, but its realistic. He probably drank himself to death a long time ago. No one has heard from him yet. I look at myself in the steamed mirror. A skinny punk kid, likes boys, intenses eyes but nothing else special. I could have been your everything, I think numbly, remembering how it was with Benji before I told anyone, you were already my everything... Those thoughts are blacked out by deeper, darker thoughts..."When your my age, you'll understand" I whisper to myself and my lip curls as I add, "I'll make you understand..." I quickly wipe the steam from the mirror and sigh, "I already understand...."

Sun, Jan. 2nd, 2005 12:20 am (UTC)

helloooooo. okay, i really like this. i see that you posted on um...December 9th, and haven't updated since. we are now in 2005, and there's no chapter 2...this isn't a good thing, cause I like this story and wish for it to continue. I'm all intruiged...you can't just stop it now. *puppy dog eyes* pleeeeeeeease update? please please please?